


COURTSHIP RITUALS

by Starrypaws



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Flush Crush, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Illustrations, M/M, OOC?, thosegoodolsexytimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starrypaws/pseuds/Starrypaws
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas and you may or may not be doing the stupidest thing in your small pathetic life by taking courtship advice from Dave fucking Strider.





	COURTSHIP RITUALS

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just gonna apologize now for my writing being all over the place and it being stiff at certain parts- kind of out of practice.

**carcinoGeneticist** **[CG]** **began trolling turntechGodhead** **[TG]**

 

**CG: HEY DAVE.**

**CG: MY THINKPAN MUST BE DAMAGED IF IM COMING TO YOU FOR HELP**

**CG: IN A MATTER OF COURTSHIP RITUALS**

**TG: haha**

**TG: dude**

**TG: seriously**

**TG: stop youre bad at trolling**

**CG: THIS ISNT A LAUGHING MATTER DIPSHIT**

**CG: HOW DO HUMANS DO COURTSHIP RITUALS**

**TG: …..**

**TG: youre actually serious**

**TG: haha oh my god**

**TG: who is it that makes your bloodpusher start pumping fast when you see them**

**TG: who lights up the room when they walk in**

**TG: who makes every waking moment livable when you see that scrumptious rump**

**CG: DO YOU FIND ENJOYMENT IN MY SUFFERING**

**TG: you just want to tangle yourselves up in an endless dance filled with your sounds of happiness**

**TG: you want to into the deep end with your worm coating everything red**

**CG: WE ARE A CIVILIZED SPECIES WHO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO USE A BUCKET UNLIKE YOU WORTHLESS FLESH BAGS**

**TG: haha**

**TG: alright ill stop**

**TG: who is it**

**TG: wait let me guess**

**TG: is it john**

**CG: ….....**

**CG: YES IT IS JOHN**

**CG: ARE YOU FINALLY SATISFIED WITH YOURSELF**

**CG: I CANT BELIEVE OUT OF ALL THE HUMANS IT HAD TO BE THE ONE WITH THE LOWEST INTELLECTUAL WHO HIDES HIMSELF BEHIND STUPID LOOKING BLACK SHADES BECAUSE HE THINKS ITS COOL**

**CG: THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE WITH SUCKY POETRY**

**TG: as i was saying**

**TG: didnt you black flirt with him and he said he wasnt a homosexual**

**CG: THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME DAVE**

**CG: WHAT WOULD I DO IF YOU DIDNT BASH ME OVER THE THINKPAN FROM TIME TO TIME TO STIMULATE THESE MEMORIES**

**CG: ITS VERY HELPFUL YOU’RE REMINDING ME OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS THERE**

**TG: chill dude**

**TG: i was just asking**

**TG: things have changed**

**TG: i think**

**TG: ill help you**

**CG: FINALLY SOME GODDAM PROGRESS**

**TG: so this is what youre gonna wanna do……**

 

**Sometime into the future but not too far**

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you may or may not be doing the stupidest thing in your small pathetic life by taking courtship advice from Dave fucking Strider.

 

You have your plans set into motion, starting off with a simple text on pesterchum.

 

**carcinoGeneticist** **[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist** **[EB]**

 

**CG: HEY FUCKFACE TONIGHT YOU AND ME WATCHING ONE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS MOVIES**

**CG: IN MY ROOM**

  
  


**\-- carinoGeneticist** **[CG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist** **[EB]** **\--**

 

You log off, not giving John a chance to reply. Dave said you had to be assertive. 

 

After that, you lazily browse the internet looking for heart shaped cookie recipes till you settle on ones that have purple frosting. The recipe seems simple enough for someone who doesnt avidly bake. 

 

You furiously beat the batter into submission with your vastly superior cooking skills and use your hands to crudely shape the batter into hearts. You pop them into the oven and set it to 350. Next to set the mood. 

 

Lighting played a huge part apparently and you contemplated lighting up some candles but that would be to obvious. You settle with lighting one on the table. Perfect. You throw a couple of blankets on the couch, respectively one red and the other blue. You dim the light settings a bit even though it's gonna be useless for watching the movie. You’ll make a good impression with dim lighting Dave said. 

 

You have a couple of shitty movies that John likes to rant about and among those is hidden a gem. A romance movie of highest quality.

 

Karkat spends the rest of his time waiting anxiously in front of the oven, refusing to burn the cookies. 

 

**Sometime into the past but not too far**

 

Your name is John and you have gotten a puzzling message from your friend. You read it a couple of times to make sure your eyes aren't lying. Its blunt and straight to the point like he is most of the time when he doesn’t go off on a tangent.

 

You are only slightly irritated that he left before you could reply, looks like you have no choice but to cancel all of tonight's plans… HHAHA WHAT PLANS? You slap your knee as you double over in laughter, man youre such a good prankster. Your dad would be proud.

 

You close pesterchum and look at the time. What time was even tonight? 7? 8? 11? Who knew but you were gonna show up around six to mooch off his food. You had a good three hours to kill. You decide to grab conair as your contribution to this movie night. Now what?

 

You wander aimlessly around your room thinking about the very weird message you got before deciding to pester Dave.. 

 

\--  ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  \--

 

EB: Hey Dave!

EB: the weirdest thing happened to me today

TG: hey

TG: what happened

EB: Karkat messaged me saying that we’re watching a movie tonight and thats it

EB: he gave me no choice in the matter

EB: i’m overthinking it now

EB: it was so out of the blue

EB: haha blue, get it?   
TG: that sucked horribly dude

TG: not as much as you’re going to be though

EB: Dave eww

TG: but hasn’t that been your business lately

TG: pitching for both sides

TG: after releasing gender is just a social construct that isn’t needed

EB: that doesn’t mean i’m doing anything with him

EB: we’re just friends

TG: not for long when you two end up entangled tonight, humping each others brains out

 

\--  ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]  \--

  
  


After that exchange, your face is bright red. You really shouldn’t have mentioned anything to Dave. At least some time had  passed.

  
  


**RE: THE MOVIE NIGHT**

  


You are adding the final touches to your cookies when someone knocks at your door.

It is obviously John, though you act surprised to see him when you open the door.

  


“Could you come any earlier dipshit,” Karkat snaps at him, making room for him to enter. “You didn’t specify the time.” John shrugs and holds out the movie to him while going inside. “You’re obviously more damaged than I thought you were. Its a miracle that you have survived up until this point without losing your head or getting lost in your own room. I can’t believe-” 

  


“It smells good, did you bake cookies?” John cuts him off, making his way to the kitchen. Karkat follows after him, spewing more insults. “Who taught you your fucking manners. You cant just barge into my place and act like its your own.”

  


He’s already taken a bite out of a cookie before you can yell anymore. “These are so good!” He exclaims happily between each bite. Your blood pusher beats just a tiny bit faster at this and your anger dissipates. Youre very flushed for him.  

  


Karkat chooses serendipity to watch first. “A romance movie? Is that why the cookies are heart shaped?” He asks, pausing to look around the room, “Is that why I’m getting this romantic vibe?” Karkat freezes for a moment, a cold chill going down his back. “Nice to know your eyes are working John, lets add that to your list of achievements as an absolute failure.” He quips. “Hha you’re so weird.” John laughs, dismissing all the preparations you did. You relax but a part of you is disappointed. Time to pull out the real stuff.

You start the movie and sit next to John a couple of inches away. Time to implement phase two. 

  


Ten minutes in, and youre hardly paying attention. Its way too soon to do the maneuver, maybe one the movie reaches the thirty minute mark you can do it. You miscalculated.

  


Not a minute had passed before Karkat had feigned a yawn, stretching his arms way over his head and letting one drop behind John. He doesn’t seem to notice and you’re disappointed just for a moment before he moves closer to you. Perfect.

  


You smile victorious, alreadying awaiting your next move. 

  


This movie sucks, why did he agree to this again? Its great seeing a friend but Karkat was acting pretty weird. Since when did he cook? Plus the whole vibe he’d been getting and now the cheap tactic that a lot of people do when they’re pretty interested in the other person. He sighs softly to himself, looking down at the hand resting comfortably on his shoulder. He wasn’t too sure if he liked Karkat in that way, even if the gestures were kind of endearing. It was just a confusing mess. 

  


Throughout the rest of the movie, John stayed pretty unresponsive to Karkat’s advances and instead just pointed out the cliche plot lines in the movie while Karkat started ranting about his taste in movies. 

  


“You wouldn’t know taste even if it hit you in the fucking face. This movie is a piece of art of all times, but then again i must be wrong to think you could even begin to comprehend such wonderful art with your dysfunctional..” John cuts him off by putting con air into the dvd player, “I’ll show you whats art.” He smiles cheekily and takes his seat back on the couch.

  


Its so on.  
  
---


End file.
